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May is considered "family month" in Korea, but that doesn't mean it's a joyous time for everyone. Park Yeong-cheol (alias), 43, a computer parts business owner, feels uneasy as Parents' Day approaches. It's been two years since he grew estranged from his mother after she sided with his elder brother in a conflict over their inheritances.
Lee Hye-jeong (alias), 28, an advertising agency employee, also felt bad at the turn of the month. Lee stopped talking to her parents six months ago because they tried to get her to break up with her boyfriend. She visited them with a gift on New Year's Day, but they drove her away. "I failed them by wanting to get married," she said. "They expected me to support them since my father retired."
¡ß Family estrangement brings extraordinary pain
While many people in this situation feel alone, alienation from one's family is not uncommon. A word uttered or an action done in the heat of anger can lead to a deep family split. Oftentimes all that's needed to resolve the situation is one word -- "sorry" -- but it can be a very difficult word to say.
Park Jeong-hee, a family counselor, says it's extremely difficult for many adults to apologize to improve a situation. "Koreans aren't good at separating emotion and reason," agrees Oh Yoon-ja, a professor of children and family studies at Kyung Hee University. "That makes it difficult for people to admit their mistakes and rather easy to feel their pride has been injured when there are rifts between family members."
Things aren't that different in the West. Mark Sichel, a counselor and author of "Healing From Family Rifts", says that people don't easily come to terms with family arguments even though they may find them incredibly painful.
¡ß Family members deserve respect too
Why is it often more difficult to make up with a family member than with a friend or colleague? Prof. Oh says it's because many of us have unreasonable expectations. "People wrongly believe that family members should understand everything even if it's unspoken, or tolerate extreme sorts of behavior like venting anger," she says. "They behave very respectfully toward others but try to have their own way with family members, like an uncontrollable child."
Sichel advises discarding some of the myths we believe when it comes to family. He argues that the family is like any other social group -- it requires effort and energy to resolve discord, and differences must be narrowed to ensure harmony. "When visiting family, it's best to stay only long enough to feel the visit was too short," he says. "And don't build up unreasonable expectations for Christmas or other important anniversaries."
¡ß You should make the first move toward reconciliation
A good way to heal family rifts is to try to narrow the physical distance before the emotional distance, says counselor Park. "You can visit family members on the pretext of anniversaries like Parents' Day. They may not express their feelings, but they almost certainly feel happy." Even if they don't welcome you at first, wait for a chance to reconcile. Prof. Oh advises that the closer people are, the more often and firmly they should express their gratitude and apologies.
¡ß Respect others' differences
Sichel stresses the importance of first reflecting on our own behavior to discover if we are guilty of taking out our anger on family members or not listening to them carefully. It's also important to accept family members as they are and respect their differences. Sometimes the best way to heal a family dispute is to let the matter pass -- forgiveness can bring happiness and harmony back. As Sichel says, reconciliation with family members is to reconcile with ourselves.
(englishnews@chosun.com )
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