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One day in April, an untidy student wearing worn-out shoes transfers to the school. The other students make fun of Yong-dae. On a field trip, Yong-dae comes in for a concentrated dose of bullying. "Yong-dae farted,¡± the children squeal, ¡°because he¡¯s dumb and slow!" Perhaps they just want to get a rise out of the silent newcomer. But when he starts crying, they are shocked and burst into tears as well. "I think all of us were really sorry for Yong-dae. We all wanted to say sorry to him, just as I did. All of us felt the same way, and we cried."
It is a scene from a children¡¯s book. In real life, what would have happened if the isolated and bullied Virginia Tech shooter Seung-hui Cho had cried like Yong-dae instead of bottling up his anger, and what if there had been someone to put out his hand and say sorry? The deadly shooting rampage at Virginia Tech is among other things a reminder of the importance of children's ability to build relationship with friends and peer groups.
¡ß ¡®Navigator¡¯ parents
Parents who blindly push their children to educational achievement at an early age often damage their children's chances to make friends. Yoo Mi-sook, a professor at Sookmyung Women's University, says such navigator-style parents are the biggest problem. "Because such parents push their children in the sole direction of a prestigious university, children have no sense of direction of their own. The children also have no experience of sharing their feelings due to parents who pressure then to win the competition."
Children learn through play to empathize with their peer group. "In order for children to understand that they should empathize not just with their mother but with their friends, they have to learn self-control and teamwork through sufficient play,¡± Yoo says. Feeding the imagination through play eases children's anxiety. "Some children play the piano in the middle of studying. Some enjoy playing with a train or a doll. If such playing is prohibited, children's anxiety turns into frustration and even anger."
¡ß The primary relationship
Children have to learn to build healthy relationships. The basic principle comes from the three-way relationship with their mother and father. "Children usually develop intimacy with their mothers first and then with fathers around the age of four. At that time, children instinctively worry, ¡®If I get close to dad, will mom feel bad?¡¯" Yoo says. If the relationship between parents is good, children can handle the triangle easily. If it isn¡¯t, children are caught between two stools and feel uncomfortable. That experience helps in relationship with friends. "If children can develop and maintain a balanced friendship among three people without sulking and trying to monopolize one, they can have successful relationships and also can build good networks with other people,¡± Yoo says.
¡ß Let children cry
Of course, children face frustrations while making friends. Sometimes they quarrel with friends or feel isolated. The role of parents is crucial here. When children are stressed and angry about a fight with friends, the first principle for parents is acceptance. Parents should understand and accept what children feel, and tell them so.
Psychologists say, "Don't make children stop crying. Let them cry as much as they want." Song Bo-kyung of the Korea Youth Counseling Institute advised, "Parents should not judge by saying, ¡®You should have made a concession¡¯ or ¡®Don't be close to such a friend.¡¯¡± The second step is dialogue. Parents should listen patiently to their children. They can ask questions such as, "Why did your friend do that?" but they should not analyze right and wrong.
¡°Many parents are likely to ask only the result or hurriedly end the conversation,¡± Song says. ¡°But that¡¯s a very dangerous approach because children may end up just blaming others. Children can find the answer when they talk to their parents. If they are encouraged in the family, they have the strength to go back to their friends."
(englishnews@chosun.com )
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