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It's no longer unusual to hear of people doing everything they can to find their former lovers. They conduct extensive searches on the Internet and ask around for any possible trace of their ex-boyfriend or girlfriend. It's also becoming common for divorced partners to get along like friends.
¡ß Emotional Regression
Experts say that trying to find an ex-lover is an attempt to avoid reality, or to put it bluntly, is a kind of regression. As some children act like babies when they're upset or anxious, so do some adults experience emotional regression when they're unhappy with their lives.
Prof. Hwang Sang-min of Yonsei University's Department of Psychology says, "If people are happy now, they don't think about the past. But they'll want to revert to the past if they think they were better off then than they are now."
In today's society, where many of us are required to wear masks of one kind or another, some people try to avoid their harsh realities by dwelling on fond memories of days gone by. Meeting people they know from the past provides an opportunity to heighten those feelings.
Park Sang-hee, the director of Sharone mental health clinic, says, "People who try to meet their old lovers again seem to enjoy the return of feelings they have been forced to suppress in everyday life as they go over their memories together. It's because they feel they can safely remove the masks they are forced to wear because they believe their old friends know even their darkest sides."
¡ß Divorced Couples
More and more divorced people today get along like friends with their ex-spouses. Dr. Kim Beoung-who who runs marriage counseling clinic Who, says that in most cases, men keep in touch with their ex-wives if they divorced without mutual agreement. "Many men also feel a responsibility to support their ex-wives when they experience financial and emotional difficulties because their ex is the mother of their children," he adds.
But the problem lies in the relationship these men have with their current wives. Dr. Kim says, "It's almost certain that those men want to meet their ex-wives again to avoid troubles they're having with their current wives. Yet it's almost impossible in Korea for couples to remain friends after they divorce as they do in Western countries."
If a couple remains unmarried after they have divorced, it may be because their divorce was an impulse decision. In some cases in which the wife initiated the divorce, the man tries to get in touch with his ex-wife because he wants to restore the relationship. And if it was the man who initiated the divorce, his return may be motivated by doubt about his decision.
¡ß Psychological Wounds
Psychologist Hwang says that it takes more than a one-sided effort to reunite a separated couple, but some people attempt it anyway because they believe their wounds are healed. Unfortunately there is the possibility that those psychological wounds can be reopened, leaving them more disappointed than before.
Song Chang-min, the author of "The Art of Dating," says, "Many people tend to reunite with their former lovers when they feel so unhappy and lonely in their present lives that they forget how hurt they were before. But when they face the reality of meeting with their old partners, they can get hurt again."
Dr. Kim also says that people who show a tendency to avoid current problems are likely to try to reunite with their old lovers. "But without resolving their problems, that will only make them repeat their mistakes," he adds.
(englishnews@chosun.com )
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