"Maybe I just wanted to prove that my life is still okay despite 17 years of infertility."

Kim Mi-yeon, a dentist, has made headlines with news that she gave birth to a healthy baby without artificial fertilization after 17 years of infertility at the age of 43 and translated a book on infertility. She claimed she and her husband were able to give up their obsession with a child after reading the book authored by a Harvard professor famous for her counseling of infertile couples, and that enabled her to get pregnant. But it was all a sham. Three months later, Kim confessed that she adopted the child.

The Chosun Ilbo met her at a cafe in Yeouido on Monday evening. She was pale but seemed calm now the truth is out. "I used to be bright and outgoing, but I realized that something strange was happening to me. I burst into tears just to see children and I hated my friends who had their own children so easily, and I also hated myself....I didn’t want to meet anyone anymore and couldn’t go to any seminars. I felt I was increasingly being left behind."

She said she became obsessed with proving that infertility could not destroy her life. She concentrated on translating the book for a year, even putting aside her work as a dentist. This was why she really wanted to introduce the book to as many people as possible, she said. She adopted a child but concluded that she had to make it look as if she was the birth mother to promote the book.

"I seemed to think of the book as my own biological child...I underwent artificial fertilization treatment for more than a decade. I knew it was harmful to my body but I couldn’t give up. No one told me, 'You have done your best. You can stop now.’ But the book changed that...I was sure that the book could help other infertile couples. It was that book that gave me the courage to adopt a child."

Kim said making the adoption public was difficult. "I didn’t intend to keep it secret for good. My close acquaintances all know about it. But I want to give my child time so that she can understand and accept that she was adopted before everybody else knows. I also believed that it is up to my child to decide whether to make her adoption public when she grows up. My husband was also strongly opposed to disclosing her adoption."

"I felt bitter at God who never gave me a child...but I realize that there were reasons why I had to wait 17 years,” she says.

Kim also talks about her own heart-breaking experience as a child. "I really wanted to be a good mom since when I was very little. My mother was sick and she couldn’t take good care of us. I wanted to love my child as much as I can because I couldn’t do that with my mother. That’s why I couldn’t give up trying to have my own child. But if I’d been able to have a child when I was young, I would have ended up being a greedy mother."

Thinking about her adopted child, she finally bursts into tears. "An old woman living next door told me that adopted children just end up giving you trouble." She immediately moved out. "My little girl is very clever and sensitive. She knows it all though she’s still a little baby. I saw many adopted people who cannot readily accept the fact that they were adopted and agonize over it,” she says. "I am so sorry. I didn’t intend to deceive everyone. I just wanted to protect my girl and protect my pride..."

(englishnews@chosun.com )